Episode 25

Well, how’s things people? Me? If I was any better ah couldnae live wi ma self! I’ve got up really early to start this week’s words of wisdom because I was so pissed last night that I got my laptop into a standstill by pressing the wrong button(s) (but no kennin what ones it wis!). But more of that later. So it’s 7 am, Saturday 12 July (10 pm, Friday 11 July for you guys) and I’m sitting inside with my wee laptop once more sprung into life (thank f***, I thought I had terminated it’s life last night!). It’s been rather cool this week. At night it’s been down to 6/7C and a wee bit breezy so I’ve been going to work with my suit jacket on. During the day it’s been as low as 17C max. Apparently they have a week like this every year so I suppose one week out of 52 ain’t bad (as Meatloaf would say). I’m going to check outside just now for an update (via a lemon Alka Selzer). Yep, nae different, cool, sunny morning again; as ah said, ah suppose it could be worse. In case yi want an update wi the UPs dinae bother because I’ve nane oan at the moment. Jist try no ti think aboot it! Got a few things ti tell yi today from the mundane to the thought provoking so better move on.

Well as planned we made our way up to the mega shopping centre at Chermside. It was pissing of rain, so that plus school mid-term had added together to drive everybody indoors or so it seemed. The place was bursting at the seams. Before we went too far we had a break at the massive eating place (cannae dive right into these things). Liz had her favourite seafood pizza whilst I had a coffee and read the café’s papers. We then had a wonder around before ending up at their Woolies for food shopping. Then headed home and really didn’t do too much more that day (Liz with cold and me still a bit dodgy from Friday night oot). Watched some of the Wallabies v France on the TV and glad I didn’t spend any money going to it. It was a developing Aussie team versus a French team over on holiday. Ended up 40 - 10 for the Australians (at a canter).

Up early on Sunday 6 July so it was shite, shave and shampoo before heading for the half rainforest Sunday Courier Mail. Nice breakfast for two followed by internet stuff. Mainly doing my e-tax return at the moment (their financial year ends on 30 June). Ah’ll tell you this boy, their tax stuff is so f***ing complicated it is not real! They work on the basis of taking too much off you during the year and you have to claim it back at the end of the year. Kindae like a bank savings account but wi nae interest! Nae hunting folk doon for tax like back hame. You’ve got to be on your toes to maximise what they give you back. Anyway I’m on the case. After that we headed for the 12th annual tartan day at the Southbank. A bit average really. A few stalls selling tartan stuff, a load of pipers and some singers and dancers plus a fair sized crowd. Looked a bit like the Braemar games without the games. Didnae dwell too long because, to be quite honest, it is not the kind of thing I would have went to at home. After a bit visited the rest of Southbank and spotted a guy with a Celtic strip on having fish and chips (but he wisnae dae’n any dancing for some reason). Then back to the Queen Street Mall before catching the bus home. Nice relaxing rest of day (read papers plus sport on TV) then early bedded.

Second and last week as acting Director. This week he was on holiday, last week he was standing in for the General Manager. It has been quite hectic so I will be glad of the lie doon next week. Of course I get paid so much that the wages difference between me and him is not too much (no for 2 weeks anyway). We also made our way to the pictures on Tuesday to watch “Kung Foo Panda” with Jack Black as Po the Panda. It was quite good actually so if you like the Pixar type of films get yourself to watch it.

So what happened last night (Friday 11 July)? All started peacefully, sneaked off at 4 pm quite pleased wi ma power of work ah hud done during the week and headed for an early weekend start (as one does every now and again). Decided to dispense with the cooking so Liz had a well earned night off. Went to the local Indian for me and Red Rooster for Liz. Funny thing is, Red Rooster sell fish and chips. Yeh ah know, cannae work it out ma self! Had a couple of Kronenbourg 1664’s wi ma curry so that wis it started! Anyway eventually headed off for the RE in Toowong about 7.30 pm. Sat ootside as usual and watched the Sydney Roosters playing the Gold Coast Titans at rugby league (almost a mini state of origin game) and GCT won 32 - 28 (just like state of origin) so the natives were quite pleased. Band was guitarist plus bongo wumin but they sounded OK funnily enough (naw, nothing to dae wi the drink yet). Had a few foaming ales then, flushed with ma hard week’s work, started oan the Bundy and cokes. (At this stage yi should be saying ti yirself: “Don’t f***ing tell mi. Where’s it all going ti end?”.) Anyway it was getting quite cool so we headed off to the Pig & Whistle in Indooroopilly for an early start ti the end of the night. Band was OK but nae name on the board (fish of the day must have been off). Continued on the Bundy & cokes rotating between draught and oot the bottle. Dinnae worry if yi dinae understand that bit ah’ll show yi when yi come over. Suffice ti say ah wis a bit weavy goan doon the road at the end of the night. Goat in the apartment and decide ti pit a DVD oan. Nae point in asking why because ah dinae f***ing ken! Anyway goat ma laptop intae a standstill, so never watched any DVD but ah suppose that wis a good thing (apart from the fact that it jist aboot goat chucked oot the f***ing windae at one stage!) So went to bed concerned after its welfare (probably why ah goat up si early).

Rest of weekend? Well it’s the Roar tonight with their first friendly against the Brazilian side Palmeiras with a 7 pm KO. It’s a big anti-racism event with the gates open at 5 pm for all that stuff. We are meeting friends for (possibly) a bite to eat and (definitely) a few beers before the game. Got to savour the build up. Just to remind you we have got platinum tickets for £11.50 with free public transport thrown in. Sunday 13 July I’m off to the Taringa Rovers v Brisbane City game with a 4 pm KO (reserves at 1.45 pm). Their game against North Pine last Saturday was abandoned because of rain (when it rains here it usually disnae f*** aboot) when they were getting beat 2 - 0. So they live to fight another day. Brisbane City are doon beside them at the bottom of the league so it is another must win game. Will wait to see how I fair on Saturday before deciding whether to partake of a few foaming ales. However I am on ADO (accrued days off) on Monday 14 & Tuesday 15 July so there is plenty of scope for decent recovery time. Liz’s ex-boss Maria Halliday from Newbattle High and her daughter are currently over here (in Sydney at the moment) and are coming to stay at our humble abode from Tuesday to Saturday 19 July (space left by one Nikki Russell). So as you can imagine Liz is looking forward to a blether and a chance to catch up on the latest stuff from home. Because I am off on Tuesday, we can drive to the airport and pick them up. Rest of week at work will be busy because I have stacked meetings into the last three days of the week. Ah well, better being busy than sitting scratching yir erse!

Thought I would chuck in a wee theme this week. Just to enable you to compare and contrast life down-under with you guys I thought I would just list some of the stuff that has been in the press recently. So here they are, see what you think (in no real order):

Price of oil (petrol)/interest rates/slowing of housing market/big dip in consumer confidence.

Getting hyper about climate change.

Bullying at school.

Guy saving his mates from drowning in the sea by keeping his finger in a hole in an Esky (beer chiller) for 15 hours which kept them afloat.

Kids still in nappies when starting school.

Aussie team getting ready for Olympic games (and the smog/green algae in Beijing).

(A podgy looking) Charlie Miller signing for the Roar.

Pope coming to Sydney in mid-July.

Racism in sport.

Aussie soldier (they call them diggers) killed in Afghanistan.

Pamela Anderson enters Aussie Big Brother house.

Fact of the week: Only 42% of the London Underground is under ground. So ah suppose it should really be called the London no as much as you wid think Underground, naw?

By the way, in case yir wondering, the wee man’s daein great. And, in case yi wornie wondering, he’s still daein great! Up to 7 lb 12 oz a few days ago.

Yours in slightly better shape then when ah started

I T Expert

Episode 24

Have to start off by telling you (if you haven’t heard already) that we became grandparents last Sunday 29 June 2008. Yes, bang on the predicted day, Leigh had a son, 7 lb 1 oz called Mason at 7.25 am. Mother, son and grandparents doing well. Photo attached to admire. Leigh will probably thank you herself but she has been totally overwhelmed by the amount of presents and stuff she has been given for the wee man. So a big thanks from me as well.

It’s Saturday 5 July as I slave over a hot laptop. Started this edition at about 9 am (midnight Friday/Saturday for you guys) in the apartment with my PJs on. Nae reason really apart from the fact we wetted the bairns heid big time last night and I’m just waiting for the Alka Seltzer to stop fizzing on my right hand side. No been up for the paper yet but it looks a bit cloudy outside (shock horror!) but will check the weather shortly. Someone has pointed out that the only thing I miss in my Ozblogs is mentioning the colour of ma underwear. So for the record is a kindae greyie/black. Sorry about that omission. As I said I’m up before I should be because I had my next 3 months quota of alcohol last night so I won’t be able to have a drink when I come home in August (aye, that’ll be right!!). Enough of this pish, let’s get started.

Last Saturday 28 June we headed off for the local IGA for food shopping. It was a bit disappointing because it was not too big and therefore didn’t really have a good selection of food. We actually ended up shopping at about 3 or 4 shops. But we are undaunted and know there are bigger IGAs in Brisbane so will track one done another day.

Spent the rest of the afternoon reading the paper and watching sport on the TV before heading to the Taringa Rovers games at about 5 pm. When I got there the reserves were into their first half and it was 0 - 0. But Michelton had this wee, young, nippy guy who played wide right and was giving the fragile Taringa defence lots of problems. Suffice to say that Michelton ended up 2 - 0 at half time. I should really know what was going to happen but I was thinking at half time that Taringa were going to get blown away. However the second half was totally different. Taringa took control and started to run the game. Second half was good for me because I was up on the balcony having a few beers and players from lesser Taringa teams plus some of the cricket guys were also having a beer or two. Suffice to say some abuse was going Michelton’s way, as they defended under our balcony, so I joined in (as one does). Taringa ended up drawing 2 - 2 which seems to be a common score around these parts.

The main event then started up. Warms up, music plus parade onto park as explained last week. However nae dug! He obviously had had enough last week because he was up on the balcony beside me chewing a bone but still with wee blue coat on. Clearly couldnae be arsed getting booted again this week. As I hinted Michelton are the worst team in the league because they are isolated at the bottom. Apparently all their good players that got them up to the Premier league had been stolen by the ones with the money (now, where has that happened before?). They were therefore a bunch of very young blokes. However I also found out that Taringa (despite having 30+ players signed) were struggling to field a team. Crowd were a bit more subdued with Michelton being the better side. They ended up winning 2 - 1 despite Taringa’s pressure at the end (too little, too late). They are away this weekend to North Pine and must start winning or end up getting relegated with Michelton. Headed home after the game, grabbed a bite to eat and off to bed (getting auld).

Up earlyish on Sunday 29 June. After purchase of Courier Mail (Sunday’s edition is only half a rainforest) and breakfast we headed off up the road. We went to Bribie Island first (which is north of Redcliffe) and had a 3 to 4 km walk along the beach with the sea washing up on our ankles. It was sunny and about 23C. No bad for a winters day! Photo of Liz in sea attached. We then had coffee/drink and headed to the fresh seafood shop in Scarborough. Liz ended up with fresh mussels and prawns. Stopped briefly in Redcliffe and sat reading paper looking out to sea. Headed home and put said seafood in pot with white wine, shallots, garlic and cream then scoffed the lot. Lazy end to the day then to bed in readiness for the big week ahead.

Good win for Spain (at last) in Euro 2008. They were the better side on the day and deserved their win. Read that Lehman (ex Arsenal goalie) blamed their defeat on the referee no liking Germans. What a f***ing plonker; does he no realise that naebody likes Germans, so why narrow it doon? This week at work was a bit hectic with acting Director role a bit more involved compared to last time. Probably due to loads of work + greater knowledge by me = more people sending stuff my way. Nae movies this week but maybe next week. State of Origin III was a cracker! Remember Queensland were away to New South Wales with the score 1 - 1 so all to play for. The game was brutal with bodies flying everywhere. Two huge fights with the referee only telling the captains ti no let it happen again! Anyway it was a nail biter right to the end with Queensland winning 16 - 10 (yahoo). So that makes it Queensland winning the last three series. So they get ti keep them and pit them oan the mantelpiece (as one does).

Then last night, Friday 4 July (start of trades for some folk) I was home reasonably early (about 5 pm). Took things easy to start with by going across to the local wok place for a noodle cairry oot to save Liz’s cooking skills for another day (by the way she’s got a cold again so it wiz f*** all to do with Newbattle High when we were at home). Phoned Leigh to check on young Mason and then headed for the RE in Toowong (disnae make a wight). It was really quiet last night so we sat with our drink watching the Gold Coast playing rugby league on the big screen. The band was average (drummer and guitarist) so nae real rock and roll like a wiz hoping for! Anyway sat for quite a bit then headed off to the P&W to end the night (as one does). I suppose it’s become our Star’s Club to start with then finish off at the Dean Friday night stint. The P&W wasn’t that much busier (maybe due to it being school mid-term here) but we consoled our self with the alcohol. Got my first drink and was confronted with the ‘where you fi?’ question. Turns out the guy was from Balloch and was over here working in banking (the real story is much more complicated than that but I cannae be arsed telling yi). So we had a blether about home, football etc whilst his big baldy English pal got into bother in the toilets with two young Aussies (the real story is much more complicated than that but I cannae be arsed telling yi). How come no matter where yi go it’s always these c***ts that get into bother? Anyway had a big drop voddie then weaved our merry way home. Vaguely remember watching ‘Paycheck’ DVD on the laptop before giving up the ghost.

No really sure what’s happening for the rest of the weekend but think we are going up to Viewfield Chermside today (halfway between here and Petrie (biggest shopping centre in the southern hemisphere)) for a look around and some food shopping. We have decided to give Wallabies v France a by tonight because the Roar are on next Saturday (dinae want to get too much of a good thing). Next week will be my second week as acting Director but I am expecting it to be a lot quieter than last week. Taringa are at home next Sunday 13 July against Brisbane City with a 4 pm KO so I will make my way down there to check the latest. [As a footnote I’ve been up for the Courier Mail (and it’s pissing of rain) and found out that tomorrow is Brisbane’s 12th Tartan Day celebrations at the Southbank so we’ll need to get ourselves doon there for a shifty. Says something about Celtic dancing so no sure what that’s aboot unless it's something ti dae wi them winning the league.]

Fact of the week: No more than three Friday the 13ths can occur in a single year. Well, how much bad luck can you handle?

Yours in a drunken stupor

What’s his name

Episode 23

Back again. Looking at ma notes and got a wee feeling yi might need a lie doon halfway through this week’s effort. So dinae dae yirself in trying ti read it in a oner. Make yirself a cup o tea or have a beer half way through it then come back and finish it. Anyway up really early this morning which can’t be right because I drank my monthly alcohol quota last night; could have sworn I was drinking with Big Gogs! However more of that later. So sitting oot in the pateho (have yi asked auld Barbara Morgan aboot that yet?) at 9 am on Saturday 28 June (midnight Friday/Saturday for you guys). It’s aboot 15C and just been up to drag my Courier Mail doon the road. Goat ma jeans and t-shirt oan this morning (cannae be too careful at ma age!). Anyway lots to tell you so I had better get aon with it.

Well last Saturday 21 June ended up quite a quiet day. Basically spent a bit time on the internet, went food shopping, read the Courier Mail (rainforest edition) and watched loads of sport on the TV. Had a few Stellas whilst watching the sport at night and went to bed after watching the French F1 qualifiers. Sunday too started off quiet with reading of papers and internet being the main events.

However headed off for the Taringa Rovers game at about 3.45 pm. Decided to take the car and go tea-total (reformed character or what?). Arrived just after the reserves had played and found out they had lost 3 - 2. ‘Ran out of legs’ was the reason given but given my previous comments about them their crap defence probably had a hand in it. To remember they were playing Brisbane Strikers who are second in the league. However before the bit about the game the warm up is a bit of a ritual. Both teams come out during the second half of the reserve games for a warm up on an area set aside (for warm ups funnily enough).. They then move onto the main park to finish their warm up before the game starts. The visitors take the pitch first just before the KO and then the build up starts. The tanoys start playing ‘Fanfare to the Common Man’ then as that picks up the mascot and minder (collie dug with wee blue coat plus young lassie) make their way on the park followed by the proud first team. However this week it went a wee bit wrong. The lassie and the dug chucked a left and ran in front of the captain who (wait for it!) kicked the dug and did a summersault to land on his arse. Dug looked awe right but captain looked a wee bit embarrassed. This is then followed by the teams being announced. Usually quite sharp but this week the announcer made a total bollocks of the teams. Started off by announcing the Strikers team but read out the first few Rovers guys. Realised he had made a mistake, apologised, and started to read out the right away team. However there were so many odd names he couldnae pronounce half of them! He was a total shambles with everyone wondering what the f*** he was up ti! Eventually got the home team right and the crowd settled down for the game.

The Strikers had some players from their Queensland national league side which is essentially the league above Taringa. Made up of teams that can afford to travel around Queensland every other week. If you guys are skint getting a bus to Dundee what do you think it would be like getting a plane to Townsville and having to stay over night! Taringa had a few players missing with a handful of young players in their place. Taringa started the game where their announcer ended off; all over the place! It was obvious early that Strikers were going to be too strong for them. Taringa weathered the storm and started to come more into the game later in the half. They were however very fortunate to be 0 - 0 at half time. The second half was much the same with Strikers running out 2 - 0 winners. Fair do’s to the young Taringa side though because they gave their all but as I said they were beaten by a better, stronger side.

At night watched Australia reserves v China full team in the meaningless last World Cup game in Sydney. China were at full strength I think because if they didn’t win they were getting their organs harvested when they got back home. Anyway the final score was 1 - 0 for China so they live to fight another day. If you are following the story about these qualifiers I had better tell you that Qatar beat Iraq 1 - 0 so they also go through (more about the draw for the next round later). Had the odd glass of red wine as well (is there nothing this man won’t drink I hear you say). The BWS (beer, wine and spirits) bottle shops over here are celebrating 70 years in existence and are having special deals. Got a case of nice local Shiraz (wait for it Lynne Lamb) for £6. Yep, £1 a bottle, alcoholism here we come!

On the day off (Monday 23 June) we were up early and off up the road. We stopped at estate agents L J Hooker first of all to register for their rental properties in the Kallangur/Petrie area. Also handed in proof of existence to establish I was a worthy person to rent one of their clients properties. Then headed further north past Irwin’s Australia Zoo and up to Maleny first of all. Had a wonder about this smart wee village but it was full of granny trips (they call them ‘grey nomads’ over here) then headed for Mary Cairncross rainforest plus café. Rainforest was there so we had a walk (Liz’s length and quite flat) but café shut on a Monday. However they have some superb views of Glasshouse mountains from the site. Name Glasshouse mountains came from early settlers arriving by boat in Moreton Bay and seeing the mountains in the distance. Because of the heat shimmer they looked like they were shining/reflecting light hence the name. So back to Maleny for a snack lunch (grannies gone by now) and, of course, sitting out in the pavement because it was so warm and sunny (and it’s winter!). We decided to come the back road back via Dayboro so we could visit their bakers again and get some easy to cook stuff for dinner.

Back to work on Tuesday and it’s been absolutely hectic this week. However must share my journey to work first of all. Get on the bus just before 7 am and head into town. Because it’s winter the sun is just rising (by the way weather/temperature for the last week has been warm, sunny, 22C and it’s the same next week (knew you wanted to hear that)) so when the bus gets onto Coronation Drive the sun is streaming in. Coronation Drive runs along the left hand side of the river (going into town) and starts about the Regatta Hotel. In the distance (about 2 km away) you can also see the CBD in silhouette and the sun comes though the trees plus glistens in the river. A truly uplifting start to the day. I’ll leave the Transport Scotland guys to ponder their equivalent journey. Anyway been busy as I said and I’m acting Director again for the next two weeks so it ain’t gonnae get any quieter!

Euro 2008 building to a decent climax with Germany v Spain in the final. A draw for me and Nikki because I had Italy/Germany and she had Portugal/Spain. Head says Germany, heart says Spain. On at 4 am here on Monday morning so no chance of watching it. Noticed one of their tunes of choice is ‘All the Hibees are gay’ by White Stripes. Hope they got permission from the Hearts fans to use it! Draw for the final Asian qualifying round for the World Cup was made last night. Got it all wrong by the way. There are two groups of 5 (no one group of 10) with the top two in each going on to South Africa in 2010. The two third teams play off to meet the winners of the Oceania group (probably New Zealand). Australia came out of it very lucky. They got Japan, Uzbekistan, Bahrain and Qatar (again). If I tell you the other group is North Korea, South Korea, Iran, United Arab Emirates and Saudi Arabia you will see what I mean. Aussies plus Japan should go through but watch this space.

Got my tickets for the Roar game on Saturday 12 July against Palmeiras from Brazil (right spelling this week because I have the ticket oot looking at it). KO is 7 pm and our £11 seats are 20 rows back from the pitch and right in the middle (with free public transport thrown in off course). Also State of Origin III decider (one game all at the moment) next week (New South Wales against Queensland at rugby league) on Wednesday 2 July. Place is going nuts already with Queensland favourites. However as I said before it’s in Sydney and they don’t travel too well. Watch this space.

Last night Friday 27 June we went to the Royal Exchange Hotel in Toowong to kick off the night. Got a beer and seat in poll position to watch the Broncos on the big screen TV. They were playing Penrith Panthers (team from near Sydney) away but only had their reserves because 8 of their players are in the Queensland squad. However they did OK and ended up drawing 12 - 12. Moved onto the voddies a wee bit early probably because I had got some good news which I am keeping to myself. Naw it wasnae Leigh because we spoke to her before we went out and she is still hanging on but sounding great (baby due Sunday 29 June). Live band was good again. Forget their name but they play Aussie stuff like Jet & Powderfinger plus Nirvana, Sum 21 etc. Headed off for the Pig and Whistle in Inderpilly (Indooroopilly) about 10.30 pm to finish the night off. They had a new turn but they were still called ‘Salmon’ (saying f*** all!). Had one (or forty) more voddies and weaved my merry way home. Liz goat oan the phone again so if she spoke to you could you phone back and tell her what she said? She’s still to appear this morning.

So what’s happening today? Well it will be a slow start (see above) but we plan to go to the IGA chain of supermarkets for our food shopping for a change. IGA stands for independent grocers association and they were set up to keep the local grocers going by joining together to be able to challenge the big two, Woolies & Coles. Later I am off to see how the dug is getting on because Taringa Rovers are at home again (surprise, surprise!) against Michelton. They are the Gretna of the Brisbane Premier league. The reserves KO at 4.45 pm and the first team at 7 pm but I will decide when I go later on. Might have a few beers today (as one does of course).

Tomorrow I am being dragged back up to Redcliffe so Liz can go to her fresh seafood shop at Scarborough (shop called Morgans (naw no John and Barbara) and is at north end of Redcliffe). During the week Liz wants to see ‘Kung Fu Panda’ (cartoon film with Jack Black’s voice as the panda) so that’ll be that then. I am looking forward to seeing ‘Hancock’ with Will Smith as the weird super hero the following week.

I have recently been exchanging e-mails with Messrs Quinn & Bennett about which way the water goes down the plug hole doon here. Yi ken, the auld anticlockwise doon here and clockwise up there stuff. Naw? Doesnae matter anyway because it got me to thinking about some other odd things that I have been keeping to myself. So I am now going to pass them on to you. So here goes:

1. The phantom bike man

Been coming across this bike chained up ti a pedestrian guardrail no far from us. So what, I here you say? Well it’s in a really weird place because its at the top of a stairway doon to a bus stop but nothing else. Also at the end of a wee cul de sac come parking area outside a nursery. Doesn’t seem to be parked by the cyclist with a view to really be going anywhere or too concerned about getting it nicked. If he is catching a bus why cycle to just there! He could easily walk to the stop or even cycle into Brisbane. Anyway this had got me totally lost; daein ma heid in so it is. Anybody care to hazard a guess?

2. The runner of orange

Also keep coming across this lassie oot jogging. She runs a quite a steady pace and seems to be in control of what she is doing. However she goat this really funny running style. She doesnae bob up and doon like normal folk. She just seems to glide along the pavement almost in a kind of crouching come half sitting position. Cannae be right! Goat a theory for this one though. I think she’s goat this orange jammed between the top of her legs and she’s running like that because she’s feered ti drop it. In fact the next time a see her ah’m going ti make her an offer. Just drop and f***ing thing and run properly. If she’s bothered aboot losing her orange, ah’ll buy her a bag of oranges for f***s sake!

Well there yi go, feel much better now.

Fact of the week: Emus and Kangaroos can’t walk backwards. So if you come over to visit us and see one coming towards you, run like f*** because they’re no gonnae change their mind!

Yours in prose

I B Anauthor

Episode 22

How’s things been this week then? Good? No so good? Ah well not to worry the weekend’s here. As Robert Smith said: “Monday always looking black, Tuesday Wednesday heart attack, Thursday never even starts, it’s Friday I’m in love”. Anyway it’s actually Saturday 21 June at just past 10 am in the morning (1 am your time). Had few last night. Your joking, I here you say, you having a few beers of a Friday evening? Whatever next! Been up for the Courier Mail and it’s a really nice morning. Bright and sunny and about 17C maybe. Sitting out in the cool pateho doing what I’ve got to do. By the way the forecast for the week (remember it’s winter here) is sunny with 22C during the day and a cool 9C at night. Doesnae get much better than that. Well back to last Saturday 14 June 2008. After food shopping we stayed in the house and read the papers plus watched the TV. Then I headed to Taringa Rovers park (alone) about 4.30 pm to see the games. When I got there the reserves had already started. Taringa are in blue and white and their opponents, Souths Utd, are in green and white hoops (say no more). The game was about even and ended up 2 - 2 so it was a fair reflection of the way the game went. I headed upstairs for a beer mid-way through the first half in case you were wondering. It was actually quite cool with some of the natives well wrapped up. I was in my jeans and Star strip. The main event kicked off at about 7 pm. Souths were the favourites but Taringa had most of their team back fit. It was quite a good game with Taringa running out 2 -1 winners. Think the goalie got his leg broken in a bad clash with one of their forwards (no malice intended). Headed home after a few beers more (could make a film about that, naw?) and watched China v Iraq on the TV. Really just wasting time until my big phone-in to the Star club on the Gala Day afternoon. Of course club’s no open (thanks Mr Halley!) so went to bed. Iraq won 2 - 1 by the way and Australia beat Qatar away 3 - 1 to qualify for the final games. Sunday 15 June was very quiet with reading the papers and watching the TV being the most energetic events of the day. The rest of the week at work was busy with a lot of briefing for the Estimates committee (scrutinising the forward roads programme/spending) and getting the structures contract into shape. Still watching the Euro 2008 highlights and what did I say about the Tallies, eh? eh? The last games should be crackers with an Italy v Germany final coming up. We are planning to take in a couple of rugby union international at Suncorp. Australia play France in early July and the All Blacks in mid September. However the Roar start up at that time so if their games are close to the rugby then that gets cut. Got to be tough. In fact just found out that tickets for their first friendly at Suncorp against Palmaries (Brazilian team and I think that’s how you spell it) on Saturday 12 July at 7 pm are on sale. Dearest tickets are £11 and the cheapest are £6 (with free public transport travel to and from the game thrown in). Also found out that Def Leppard are coming to Brisbane in November.

Yesterday, Friday 20 June, Liz came into the CBD (central business district or toon centre for you tuchters) to meet me after work. Headed for a nice Greek restaurant in Albert Street (near Queen Street mall) and sat outside having a bite to eat and a modest refreshment. Crossed the road and had a few more at the Brewhouse (Star lager) and Gilhooleys (Stella) then headed off home via the new underground bus station at King George Square (between Ann and Adelaide Streets). Headed right for the Pig & Whistle at Inderpilly to see the night out. Had a turn on called ‘Yellow Tail Kingfish’. Yeh, I know, strange name for a band but even stranger when I tell you that they had been there before under a different name! Think I need therapy. Anyway had a few voddies and coke and headed off home. Sure Liz phoned someone again when we got in but cannae mind much about it. [Pause for big drink of water.] This weekend (probably on Monday, flexi day off (time saved up is through the roof at the moment)) we are heading to Maleny & Montville which are about 2 hours north of Brisbane. We’ve been there before and its really nice particularly Montville and Mary Cairncross scenic reserve near Maleny. The former is a really smart (but expensive) wee village. At the latter, the views of the Glass Mountains (for another day) and the forest walks are brilliant plus the home made snacks in the outside café are superb. On the way up we are going to register with a home rental firm in Kallangur because we fancy renting nearer to where we might end up staying when the house at Nitten sells. You see, our rental agreement runs out here about August/September. Because of location we can get a detached 3 bedroom (2 bathroom) house up there for less than a 2 bedroom flat down here. In any case it will get us more used to the location and me used to travelling to work from there. On Sunday 22 June we will have a quiet start to the day but we are off to see Taringa at home to Brisbane Strikers at about 4 pm. They are one of the best teams in the league. However Taringa are making their way up the league so hopefully another win on the cards. Sunday also sees Australia playing their last (but meaningless) game in the World Cup qualifiers against China at home in Sydney. We have qualified and China are oot; cannae get mair meaningless than that! However Qatar play Iraq for the second qualifying place. Incidentally the format of the next round is that the last 10 teams all play each other with the top 4 automatically qualifying for the finals in South Africa. The fifth team plays off against the winner of the Oceania group for the last place which is quite funny because Australia moved to the Asian play-off league from the Oceania league to avoid playing the 5th team in the South American league (usually Uruguay) in the play-offs! Nae luck or what? As I said, Monday is a day off because the flexi time is through the roof. They call it ADO (accrued day off) here. However I will need a big chunk of ADO because I don’t have enough annual leave to get me home for a wee trip. Yes folks, will arrive in Edinburgh on Sunday 17 August and leave Friday 5 September. Small matter of a grandchild and a family wedding to attend. Might have a few beers and an odd visit to meet you beautiful people. But more of all that another day.

Fact of the week: A desert snail can sleep for 3 years. Lazy b***ard!

Yours in pateho

 The (soon to be) Kallangur Two

Episode 21

Well, how’s things? Much stuff to divulge this week so I will crack on now. Sitting in the pateho at about 10 am Saturday 14 June (1 am your time). Just been up for the Courier Mail and arrived back safely for the Ozblog. It’s a bit cool this morning (15C) but out in the fresh air anyway. So as usual lets start where we left off last week. As planned we did what we had to do and headed off to Petrie late Saturday 7 June morning. We went by train because that would mean that I could have a drink. Got to plan ahead, naw? The train from Taringa into Brisbane actually goes to Petrie so we did not have to get off at Central Station and swap trains which was handy. The day ticket only costs $6.90 (about £3) for a 50 minute return journey (like Edinburgh to Glasgow). We got picked up at the station by Peter (Graham) and he took us a tour of Petrie showing us the various phases that have been built which in handy given it is on our list of favourite places to stay. We then went to his house and met Fiona his wife (from Easthouses) and youngest daughter. After a blether etc we went a tour of the wider area to show us more houses and then went a trip down to near Redcliffe. When we returned to his house he phoned a guy called Alex McCauley who just recently moved from Hamilton with his wife and son. Peter got the BBQ fired up as we sat outside is his covered pateho having a small refreshment (as one does of an early Saturday evening). Had a superb meal and a great chat about back home and issues regarding our stay in Brisbane. Told my usual Nitten stories and had everyone hysterical with laughter (they work here as well!). Eventually Alex and family said there goodbyes and we moved inside to finish off the night. Headed for the return train about 11 pm and got home just before midnight. Straight to bed knackered. Sunday 8 June I was up early again. Must be a new lease of life or something. Got the Sunday Courier Mail, modest breakfast and watched the replay of the Iraq v Australia game played in Dubai. They lost 1 - 0 to a good but fortunate goal midway through the first half. Kindae like the ones that ended Seaman’s career (watch out Schwarzer!). Qatar beat China in China in the other game so the group is opened right up. This weekend it’s Qatar v Australia and China v Iraq, watch this space. It was a really nice day so we headed to our usual Sunday haunt of the Southbank in Brisbane. Sunny (25C) and cloudy but it was still a shades, shorts and T shirt day. Had a stroll about and it was quite busy because of the weather and the holiday weekend. Had a seafood crepe, a few beers, sit in the sun and headed home late afternoon. I had got a taste for the beer so grabbed a few cold ones on the way home and sat outside scoffing them while listening to my iPod. Finished the beers and moved indoors to watch sport on the TV. Still listening to the tunes and moved onto the voddies and coke. Gave up at time unknown and went to bed. Queen’s birthday was a quiet affair with food shopping being the highlight of the day (thank f***). So back to work on Tuesday 10 June. For the old work folk the thing that I am spending most time is putting together their first state wide contract that just happens to be for structures inspections and servicing. Know what you are saying: “Is there nothing that man cannot do?” As planned we went to see Narnia 2 on Tuesday night and it was worth seeing. I thought it was as good as the first one and Liz thought it was better. So if you liked the first one, go and see the new one. On Wednesday night it was State of Origin II. What can I say? It was like night and day compared to the first game. Queensland totally overrun New South Wales and won 30 - 0. Don’t know if you follow rugby league but it’s quite hard not to score in the 80 minutes they play. So Brisbane has gone nuts the rest of the week. However it’s now on to the decider in Sydney in about 3 weeks time. On paper Queensland should win but they don’t travel too well. On Thursday 12 June I went to look for a jersey because I didn’t bring one with me and (believe it or not) it’s starting to get a bit cool in the morning. So we went up to Inderpilly centre night shopping (closes 9 pm). Confession time. I also got the watch sized that the Star gave me before I left to come to Brizzie. Yes, it took me 7 months but it’s done now. So now the moan, where did you get the watch instructions Star committee? It might have been for a Citizen’s watch but no the f***ing one you gave me! Anyway jersey bought we went to the P&W for a small refreshment before we returned home (as one does). They had a band on called Barramundi. Again I am sure that band have been there before but no that one. What the f*** is going on?!? Had a few beers and headed home to bed. Meant to tell you we had a fire escape test on Friday 13 June. Taking the piss or what? Anyway I had to climb down the staircase from the 24th floor because you are not allowed to use the lifts and I was f***ing knackered when we arrived at the assembly point. So if a fire does start I’m going nowhere! At night we headed for the usual nightspots, i.e. RE followed by the P&W. The RE was much busier this week and the band (called ‘Chester’) were good as well. You know, the auld rock and roll plus a few beers, cannae beat it wi a stick! In case you were wondering, yes I do still burst into alcoholic sneezes after one or two beers. Gogs, did you ever get those sneeze stains oot yir t-shirt? Stayed there a bit longer than usual (gid band) before moving onto the P&W. There band (wait for it) was pish and called Barramundi! I’m beginning to suspect that I have lost the plot with these bands. Anyway had a pleasant end to the evening and headed home into the moonlight again. I think Liz phoned some people when we got home but my powers of observation had gone by then. Heading to the Taringa game today, the first of many in the run in to the league. The reserves are on at 4.45 pm with the first team at 7 pm. Off for a few beers and to see what unfolds. Been watching the highlights of Euro 2008 because the live games are on Setanta here at 4.30 am. Slap in the puss for Germany against Croatia (good enough for them!). Portugal and the Dutch look good but don’t rule out the Tallies. If you want to back Spain send your money to me. Other odds and ends, what’s happening at Tynecastle or should a no ask? Yes, Helen O’Connor, I do go to work sometimes. And last but by no means least have a ball at Nitten Gala today. Sorry I can’t make it but I could arrange to send some good weather. We’ve got loads over here. We will be phoning the Stars club in the afternoon (your time) when the Russells are due up there. So if you want a blether (assuming of course you read this in time) get yourself up there. Talk to anybody me. Just so you don’t think there are no bad issues here I thought I would ‘balance the books’ and give some examples of the not so good: There is litter on the streets at times (but not much). There is graffiti especially at railway lines, stations etc. There is the odd robbery, assault, murder etc. The money exchange is crap just now if you are converting cash from £ to $ (I think about 1 to 2 at the moment) so we will lose out when we bring our house sale cash over and visitors will find it a bit more expensive. However it will be great when we go back and do the $ to £ exchange. You come across the odd cock-end (but not very often). It gets dark about 5 pm at the moment (but it is winter although you wouldn’t have thought so last week!). Stay in the wrong area and you get flooded out with a vengeance when the rain goes nuts! There are Celtic supporters over here. They have just uncovered a massive paedophile ring in Australia which includes teachers, people with a blue note (i.e. cleared to work with children) and many more. Teachers and nurses don’t get paid enough. Their best fitba teams are about our first division standard (but better than Livi). You can get bitten ti f*** if you sit outside at night without a mozzy spray on or mozzy candles lit. When you look at the stars at night you havenae a f***ing clue what ones they are (nae plough or north star doon here!). But apart from all that it is brand new doon here. What yi waiting on? Fact of the week: Over 25% of all working tower cranes in the world are in Dubai. Get yirsel ower there for a job. Remember where you heard them first folks.

Yours in Australia

Ned Kelly

Episode 20

Great to be back. I was looking at my wee list and there is quite a bit of stuff but not much fun if you know what I mean. In other words more a report of what happened but no too much nonsense. Ah well, everybody’s entitled to a week off. Up a wee bit early today, so sitting out in the pateho in my PJs about 9 am on Saturday 7 June (midnight Friday/Saturday for you guys). It’s been raining and is quite cool, probably only 15C at the moment. Again this week, nae Courier Mail but more of that later. So back to last week first. As planned we readied ourselves and headed off to Alexandra Hills where the Thomsons live. We got in, said our hellos, dropped off our gear etc then me and auld Peter headed to Capalaba Bulldogs at about 2.30 pm. Remember this is a team in the local Brisbane Premier 1 league but they have a brilliant set-up. Their social club and changing rooms are all-in-one. They have a big covered area outside with chairs/tables. They have a canteen area that sells just about anything to eat. So you can sit there all day eating and drinking till your hearts content (but maybe no yir stomach). They have about 6 pitches and a big training area. The main pitch is just outside the club area and it (and the training area) has floodlights. Anyway we got their half way through the youths game. We sat in the sun and had a few beers (as one does). We managed to escape the rain which actually put a lot of games off in and around the Brisbane area. The youths drew 0 - 0 but it was not too bad a game. The reserves then came on and won 2 - 1 eventually but probably deserved their win. Then the first team came on against Rocklea just after 6 pm. They are from nearer our area and are Croatian (their names in the program and their white and red chequered strips were a dead give away!). They are near the bottom of the league and Capalaba near the top. Capalaba started well but just seemed to stop after about 15 minutes. Rocklea then kicked on and ended up winning 2 - 0. We then retired to the club house and a had a few more beers. Got handed a complimentary plate of sandwiches and chewed the fat with one or two unhappy Capalaba football types. Eventually headed home by taxi at about 9.30 pm. Grabbed a quick bite to eat courtesy of Liz and waded into Peter’s home brew beer. I eventually gave up the ghost and went to bed at midnight. Auld Peter kept going until about 2.30 am. He’s the original captain of the Scottish drinking team! Got up at about 9 am, grabbed a quick bite to eat, gathered our stuff up and headed for home. Of course we headed for home to ready ourselves for the World Cup game at Suncorp. The kick-off was at 5 pm so we headed off at about 1.30 pm giving ourselves plenty of refreshment time. We met up with the Thomsons again in a hotel on Caxton Street behind the stadium. Peter’s son and his mate were also there. Just so you know Caxton Street is full of pubs and restaurants and even at the time we went were already busy. Liz had a bite to eat and decided to go tea total. I thought about it (for approximately 0.16 seconds) then decided to buy a beer. We sat there having a cheerful blether until about 4.15 pm then headed to the game. The crowd was just short of 50,000 but for a sport that is probably well down the popularity stakes compared to others in Oz, was a good one. Australia had a good side out including Harry Kewell, Scott McDonald from Celtic and Mark Schwarzer, and the Iraqis were full off players nobody’s ever heard of! However despite the fact Australia had more possession in the first half, it was Iraq who had the clear goal scoring chances. Half time gave me a chance to replenish my beer tray and return to my seat ready for the second half. The second half started off with a bang with Kewell scoring with a near post header in the 47th minute. The rest of the game was played out with Australia again having most possession but Iraq looking dangerous on the break. Australia ran out 1 - 0 winners but Iraq must have been disappointed not to get at least a draw. They play again this weekend in Dubai (neutral ground for obvious reasons) and the Aussies are going to have to improve to get a result. Anyway then headed home via the train (free with the ticket to the game), had a few drinks then off to bed just before 10 pm. On Monday 2 June I had my planned JIC day off but to be quite honest I felt not too bad considering the rigours of the weekend. Because we were out and about most of the weekend we had not done our food shopping so that was the most energetic thing I did that day. Just as well because there was torrential rain most of the day. Every time we opened the apartment door it seemed to rain harder! A good win for the Star in their last game but missed out on promotion by just one point. Good luck to Joe Dunbar at Raith Rovers. I’m sure he’ll do OK. Taringa Rovers were almost a victim of the weekend weather but managed to get their game on but they had to put off their reserves game which was due to be played on the same pitch as theirs. It didn’t do them any good because they lost 2 - 1 to Peninsula Power. They have no game this weekend (don’t know why) but are at home to Souths United next Saturday night (14 June (Nitten Gala Day)) with a 7.30 pm KO. So will be heading down to Jack Speares Park for that game. I was also e-mailed there remaining fixtures during the week so now I don’t have to fart around trying to find out where they are playing and when. As I thought they play 7 of their last 10 games at home! This week at work has been modest but the other guys have been doing heavy shifts because of committee stuff, a 5 year programme launch and short notice roads’ debates in parliament. By the way, heard during the week that the Borders Rail link passed its due diligence test. Come on lads what the f*** is going on? That will be the biggest white elephant ever if it goes ahead. A total and utter waste of money. Anyway, now I’ve got that off my chest, not much more happened of note during the week but off to see Narnia 2 next week so look out for a review. Last night, Friday 6 June, started early at work actually. To celebrate the launch of the 5 year roads program report the troops organised a few beers and snacks in the 26th floor conference room at about 4.30 pm (great view of the Brisbane sunset from there). I joined in (just to be sociable you understand) had a few beers before heading off home to get a quick bite to eat, changed and then to the Royal Exchange Hotel in Toowong (2 km from Taringa where we are temporarily holed up). Not as busy as usual which is a surprise because this is a long weekend because of the Queen’s birthday (how many f***ing birthdays does she have?). Anyway had a few beers while watching the Broncos getting humped on the big screen and listening to a no bad live band (what more can a man ask for!). The Broncos had 8 players missing because it’s State of Origin 2 at Suncorp on Wednesday 11 June. We then headed for the Pig & Whistle in Inderpilly (spelt Indooroopilly) shopping centre to see the rest of the night out. They had a turn on as well but you are going to have to help me oot here. The band were called Salmon! Now that’s the third f***ing band that’s been called Salmon, what the f***‘s going on? Confused or what? Anyway had a pleasant evening, Liz found someone to talk to in the smoking area outside and I watched the sport of the TV, while having a few voddies and listening to Salmon. Got to tell you this one. The P&W is shooge so you could have a crowd in about 3 bars, all eating while 3 other places are having a function on. The room nearest the shunkies had a 60th on last night. So when I was in for a pea there was a crowd but most of them were from the 60th (obviously nae incontinence knickers on!). Standing there and this ‘deedily, deedily, deedily, deedily etc etc’ goes on for what seemed an eternity. Eventually a young guy answers his mobile phone while exiting said pea house. Auld guy next to me turns and says: “Thank f*** for that, I thought ma willy had started playing tunes!”. A would have pissed masel laughing if ah hudnae just finished! Eventually headed home after a pleasant evening and went to bed. Today we are heading up to Petrie to see Peter Graham. He is a Director of bridges stuff (equivalent of Bill Valentine for you Transport Scotland types) but was brought up in Gorebridge/Mayfield before moving to Oz about 20 years ago. Kens loads of people I know like Willie Park and the Quinns. Anyway that’s why I’m just in ma PJs wi nae paper. Heading there after the usual morning ritual. Going by train (takes just short of an hour from Taringa) in case alcohol gets offered (from Gorebridge/Mayfield so there is an element of doubt there!). He’s taking us to a BBQ site and showing us some houses for sale (we live in hope). Sound like a good day oot. Coming home later tonight but don’t have too much planned for the rest of the long weekend. There is stuff on in Brisbane because its Queensland week (don’t know why because I haven’t asked) so might search that oot later. Meant to tell you that the same things that are troubling you guys money wise are also troubling the Aussies which of course includes us. However, everything is relative and despite the fact it is an issue here, things generally are a lot cheaper. For example interest rates are higher than at home at 7.25% which means that borrowing (e.g. mortgages) are about 1.25 to 1.5% higher than that. Add that to house prices having risen about 20%+ in the last year you have a few people who are feeling the pinch. However a detached four bedroom, two bathroom and two garage house is about $450,000 (probably £210,000). But in Nitten a house that size would probably set you back about £350,000 ($800,000) at least. Also, like you guys, petrol is going up but its only at $1.45 (65p) a litre. Food prices are also on the rise but our weekly food bill (allowing for Nikki) is probably about 75% of what it was at home. In other words coming here having sold your house in Scotland, and getting the same wages, you are in easy street. Chuck in the weather and I don’t know what you guys are waiting on. [This article has been sponsored by the Australian Recruitment Board. Fact of the week: Buffalo milk has 25 per cent more protein than cow’s milk. Bet they’ve goat some at Tescos. Just ask. Anyway, probably well over extended my stay this week so as they say in Russia, Olga Corbett’s a cracker (ask Groats)!

Yours in gibberish

Ozzy Ozblog

Episode 19

Well how’s things? Wee change for me this morning because I’m sitting in my PJs at 10 am, Saturday 31 May (1 am your time) writing my Ozblog in the apartment. No been outside yet because it is raining and I am not buying the Courier Mail this morning. Why, I here you say, get yirself oot in the rain, yir always boasting about the gid weather so take the good wi the bad? Well thanks, I could because the pateho is sheltered and it will probably be about 18C anyway. But the real story is am I just going to complete my weekly Ozblog, have a shite a shave and a shampoo, brunch then head off to the Thomsons to watch Capalaba playing. However more of that later. Few things about last week’s effort first. Meant to tell you that an hour or two before we left Taringa Rovers social club last week (Friday 23 May) we were standing out in the balcony with one or two stragglers when something happened that will really piss Tommy Quinn off (so dinae tell him). Now you’ve got to remember that everything is council ‘owned’ over here right from the likes of the Gabba (cricket and Aussie rule) and Suncorp (football and rugby) to the local pitches for local league teams. So we were standing there when a row of sprinklers went off across the park in a line with the penalty spot. There were four in a row so I asked who put them on and who moves them during the night (thinking aboot Tommy of course). The guy from Taringa said he just presses a button in the club hoose and the first row go on for about 20 minutes. They then switch off and the next row goes on automatically. A thought, f*** me, wait till auld Quinn finds oot about this. Sure enough 20 minutes later the first row switched off and the next row, just past the 18 yards box, went on. This continued until we left and apparently goes right up the park and doon again over night. How f***ing good is that? I suggest one of the committee make a proposal ti oor council. I can hear the answer now but nothing ventured nothing gained. We had a change of plans last Saturday (24 May). Liz goat that excited reading aboot the fresh sea food that the Planetarium was scrapped and we headed instead to Redcliffe. Just need to get ma heid in the sky another day! Headed off up the road and arrived in the middle of Redcliffe. We stood on the pier and watched the locals having canoe races. These canoes were shooge, kind of like the ones you see in films about Fiji, Hawaii etc. You know, two rows of people wi wee short paddles going like f***. Anyway seemed like half of the area must have been in these boats and there looked like there was a lot of local pride in winning. Had a snack and sat in the beach park (grass not sand) reading the Courier Mail. Then headed for Scarborough to the fresh fish shop. Liz ended up with over a kilo of these fresh, shooge prawns. Sent a photo in case you don’t believe me. Stayed in on Saturday night and had a few beers watched the Championship play offs between Hull City and Bristol City plus watched Rangers v QoS score come up on SKY sports (the internet version). Well, I said before the English game that no matters who wins they will go straight back down (watch this space) and Rangers wee bums were going for a while a well. Sunday was a lazy day reading the paper, watching sport on the TV and a wee walk to Toowong to break up the day. Work is still ticking over with a few big things coming my way to liven up procurement and project management/delivery but enough of the serious stuff. We went to watch Indiana Jones IV on Tuesday night. Not sure if you’ve seen it or thinking about seeing it but don’t listen to a lot of pish I’ve seen in the papers get yourself to watch it. It is absolutely brilliant. If you liked the first three you, will absolutely love this one.Last night we were going to have a quiet night because of the hectic weekend ahead. But the Russells and quiet Friday nights have not been invented yet! So headed off to the Regatta Hotel to have a few beers and try the Boatshed restaurant next door. If you remember I told you a few Ozblogs ago that it was down by the river and always busy so we were going to try it one day. It was really busy again about 7.30 pm when we had booked our table. There were even some people still there from lunch time! The meal was nice and reasonably priced so we will definitely be back another time. After that we headed (aboot a 10 minutes walk) to the RE for a few more and watched the rugby league on the shooge TV screen. The Broncos were paying Paramatta Eels which will nothing to you guys but it is like a mini State of Origin game. The Eels are from just outside Sydney near the Olympic park and anyone from Sydney is enemy number one in Brisbane. The Broncos had all there big guns back including their captain, Darren Lockyear. He’s been out for a while with a bad knee injury but the whole of Queensland is wanting him back because they reckon he will be the difference between them winning or losing the second SoO game against New South Wales at Suncorp on 11 June (mind, cannae get a ticket for love nor money). So he’s as close to a sporting god as it gets. Anyway (couldnae write this script by the way) the score were locked at 24 - 24 with 10 seconds to go and Lockyear keeps the last tackle move going with an unbelievable scoop pass, then joins in again moments later to chip it wide to the oncoming winger who catches it and scores a try in the corner in the last second. How f***ing good is that. Just ratched his god status up 1,000% in the blink of an eyelid. Anyway we left the RE and headed (naw, no for home) for the P&W in Inderpilly. Had a band on as usual and this week there were called Salmon again. But the funny thing was it was a different band! Strange that. Anyway had one or two and headed home into the moon set. So today we are off to watch Capalaba the team that Alan Prentice used to play for. Peter Thomson is a life member but doesn’t really go to see them much these days. They play in the league below Taringa (called Premier 1) but are second and tipped to go up. Taringa are of course at home (dinae get he started) but I will miss it. Will keep you posted of who they play while you guys have no fitba to watch just to keep you excited for next season. Of course Taringa and such like play until August and then the Roar start up again. In other words fitba all year round. The Roar have already announced their pre-season friendlies. Like American football they play their friendly games against teams from their league plus other guest games. A bit weird to us but the first guest team is a Brazilian team in the beginning of July. Got my name doon for a membership. American again, nae season tickets only memberships which gives you a guaranteed seat for every game, in other words you’ve still got to buy it. Star at home to Dundee in what would have been for me a reason to celebrate the end of season with a few sherries. So have one on me, big Davy Steele’s paying. Anyway meanwhile back at the story, you know when someone’s hurrying you up like when you go to someone’s hoose for a drink and they’re standing at two in the morning with their PJs on with the front door open? Well Liz’s just handed me a plate of mince and tatties for my breakfast! Better get a move on then, almost there anyway. Tomorrow is the big World Cup game at Suncorp with a 5 pm KO. Australia v Iraq almost didn’t happen because the Iraq government dissolved the Olympic and other sporting committees during the week because of corruption. FIFA in their wisdom took this to mean their FA as well so they threw Iraq’s membership in the bin! Anyway it’s all sorted now and the game goes on as planned. Really cannae imagine that there is much you can do to upset any Iraq team’s preparation given the circumstances they must have to go through every day. And of course the one and only JIC is being wheeled out for Monday. So back to work on Tuesday 3 June. Better go cause Liz is starting ti nip ma heid. Couldnae leave you without my new slot (inspired by last week’s small fact) called ‘the fact of the week’. So I will leave you with this, did you know that there are more than twice as many kangaroos as people in Australia. Try these on your friends people.

Yours in deliberations

The Ozzy Russells

Episode 18

Great to be back. A few things to tell you but before I forget, you know what I found out this week? A bowling pin only needs to tilt 7.5 degrees and it falls down. How good is that? You never know when you are going to need that sort of stuff. Any way, meanwhile back at the pateho, up a bit early again and it’s the morning of Saturday 24 May at 10 am (1 am your time). Beautiful sunny morning, sitting sipping my china green tea (detox stuff) and it is about 18C maybe. As usual I’ll start with a revisit to some of last week’s stuff. Maybe also chuck in a ‘theme’ today but we’ll see how it goes. When I left you last week we deviated from the norm and went to Toowong Woolworths for our food shopping. In case I didn’t tell you the food supermarket trade here is dictated by a duopoly. In other words, two companies, called Woolworths and Coles, have about 80% of the Australian food market. So if you are pissed off with Tesco’s you ain’t seen nothing. They fix prices, always have different food on offer (so as not to detract from one another) and hike prices at will. Basically they get away with murder. However having said all that the food is OK and the prices are generally cheaper than at home. Any way part of our plan was that there are some good shops in the Toowong shopping centre like the butchers, bakers (naw, they hav’nae goat a candlestick makers) and a fruiters, so we were going to try them before finishing off at Woollies. Just as well because the store at Toowong is’nae very well stocked. Quite pleased with the price and quality of these shops but you cannae beat only having to go to one place (what the big shops are relying on I suppose). The rest if the day was spent sunbathing and reading the Courier Mail (rainforest edition). Not much at night; I even went to bed before the FA Cup final came on! Sunday 18 May we went a run in the car to Redcliffe which is about 25 km outside Brisbane on the coast. Full of great places to have picnics, beaches, nice food places etc. We stopped at an area called Scarborough (say no more) for a walk and ended up in a big fresh fish shop. If you are into fresh fish, seafood etc this is the place for you. We ended up with 2 kg fresh blue mussels. When we got home they were fired in a pot with some white wine, garlic and cream with a bit fresh buttered crusty bread and the lot were scoffed in next to no time. Again on the list for visitors. Been another quiet week, still no house sold and work continues to do away. Of course the big stories of the week are sport. Here, as I told you last week, Queensland played New South Wales at rugby league (State of Origin). Everybody here was fired up with much scarves, strips and flags in evidence all week. The game was in Sydney (there are three altogether with the next one in Suncorp in two weeks (no tickets left for love nor money)) and to be quite honest Queensland were out muscled and out played, in other words they did’nae turn up. However they are so good individually (if you know what I mean) that it was only 18 - 10. So everyone is up for the next game. Ken the one, wait ‘till we get them at home. Of course there was also the Champions League final between Man U and Chelsea. Had to get up at 4.30 am to see it (and still at work at 8.30 am even with extra time and penalties). Thought they were pretty evenly matched but Man U could have put them away in the first half of normal time. However Man U prevailed as fate would have it. I was honestly saying to myself when Terry was running up to take his kick that Man U were still going to win. Seen some of the stuff flying about since then ripping the pish out of Chelsea/Terry. Best one is the help line for distraught Chelsea fans 0800 - 101010 (won nothing, won nothing, won nothing). Cannae beat it wi a stick! However back to home, a good win at Bo’ness for the Star but with Forfar beating Dundee during the week it was to no avail. I am sure that there are some of us who had ambitions this year and are therefore disappointed with the outcome. Personally I think that the team have done brilliantly to come on so much in such a short period of time. All credit to Graham, Alan and the rest of the ‘team’ plus the players. We will just need to regroup and come out stronger next year. However, ‘come out stronger’ is the operative phrase. All the rest of the teams left in the Premier league will be thinking the same. The teams coming down from the Super league will want to go straight back up and the teams coming up from the Regional leagues will think they can also gain promotion. So the task will not be easy but I am sure that we will have enough in us to do it. Be on Star! Last night, Friday 23 May, we had a wee change of itinerary and went into the CBD (Central Business District (the centre of Brisbane)). Went by bus and ended up at a pub called the ‘Brewhouse’. Nice, big sports bar (a bit like Witherspoons) with real ale or special beers as they call them. Gave the ‘Up your kilt’ and ‘Dogs bollocks’ a bye and head straight for the ‘Star lager’. Nice taste and strong at 5.3 per cent. Liz had a pizza and chips and I sat and watched Australia’s world cup warm up game in Sydney against Ghana. Watched the first half and the Aussies were total pish. Will need to improve 1,000% to force a corner against Iraq. However then got to train to Inderpilly and headed off to Taringa Rover’s club to finish the night off. They had been playing in the over 35’s league and got beat 4 -1. There was a crowd in the bar when we got there so we joined in. They were selling some of their merchandise which is well priced and good quality. So will be availing myself of a top in the near future. Any way the evening finished peacefully and we wandered off into the moon light saying our goodbyes as the guy locked the doors to the club. Aye, last oot again! Well Liz has just handed oot the bacon and egg rolls to save my life so, refreshed, I will chuck in a ‘theme’. Been given more thought to some differences between Oz and UK and they are probably in the category of ‘interesting to know’ rather than ‘taking a bit to get used to’. So here goes:

Clean, open public toilets (lots of them) and not vandalised. BBQs freely available in all parks (mostly gas) and not vandalised.

Being able to go to work by bus/train/ferry for only $2.90 (just over a pound) because tickets are interchangeable. Being able to buy beer and spirits at big outside sporting events such as Suncorp. Car registration being called ‘rego’. Car is insured not the person (so any visitors with licence can borrow my car). No trouble or aggression in pubs. Cars passing you in the street and you don’t know one person that’s in them. Buying bread, vegetables etc that you can taste.Flip-flops being called ‘thongs’ (one you have really got to remember). Calling playing for the jersey, playing for the guernsey. Even extended to if something has a guernsey, it has a chance. Being too close to USA and things American as opposed to British.No backstabbing and blame, just get on and do what you have got to do.Maybe some a bit more thought provoking than others and there are plenty more, trust me.Today (after food shopping (back to Woollies Inderpilly)) we are heading to the Planetarium which is on the way to Mt Coot Tha. Been told its worth a visit and this weekend is their 30th anniversary so things are cheaper and better. Will be back with ma heid in the sky so look out next week! Tonight and tomorrow look like being quiet as opposed to next week where it’s Capalaba game Saturday, World cup Sunday and JIC Monday. Watch this space! Well must dash………..Oh and I hope you enjoy the photo of me getting ma ba back!

Yours in pateho

Pen Pusher

Episode 17

Well got up a wee bit earlier than ah thought I would because I made the mistake (again) of having Bundy & coke as well as vodka & coke on the same night oot. Ah well more of that later. So sitting out at about 9 am on Saturday 17 May (12 midnight your time Friday/Saturday) in the pateho (having been for the paper) and it’s probably not reached 20C yet (dinae tell mi ah here yi saying). Weather continues to be projected forward for the next 2 months at about 20/25C during the day and 10/14C at night so cannae grumble. Ah’ll catch up on last week’s stuff in a moment but I seem to have quite a lot a sporty type notes so I reckon that is going to feature big this week. Last Saturday (10 May) we went to the Expo 88 20th anniversary at the Southbank as planned. A bit disappointing really given that they had made a big deal of it being a life changing Brisbane event. It was on the telly and in the papers all week but (despite the fact there were a lot of people there) there was not really too much on compared to normal. In fact the auld Buddha birthday celebrations last week were a lot better. So it was a “we think it was a great event for Brisbane but f*** spending too much money remembering it” kind of event. Been to a few of them before, naw? Listened to the commentary of the Hearts match at night (more of that later) where the most exciting things in the first half were summed up by the extremely biased Hearts commentators as: “The thunder & lightning and the referee’s whistle for half time!”. On Sunday we went a run in the car to an area north of Petrie (near to where we will probably settle (if our hoose in the Nitten ever sells) about 20 km+ north of Brizzy) which was similar to Mt Nebo/Mt Glorious (for those of you who are following the story). Really nice views, bendy roads and decent places to stop. We actually stopped at a place called Dayboro and had a snack, coffee etc at the local bakers. This bakers, at about 4 pm on a Sunday, was stocked to the gunnels with stuff and going like a fair so it must be popular. Noted again for Scottish visitors. Last night (Friday 16 May) we went to a place in Toowong (dinae make a wight) called Sizzler for a bite to eat. A theme place (kinda like Pizza Hut but sells steaks if yi ken what ah mean). So for about 12 quid a head yi get steak with all the trimmings plus as much soup, salad and deserts as yi want (steady Gogs). How good is that? Nothing fancy yi ken but very popular with the locals (and by the time we left most of Brisbane as well). So another on the list to visit with home town stragglers. Of course it just happened to be right across the road from the RE (total coincidence yi understand) so 10 seconds later we are having a small refreshment of a Friday evening (as one does). Stayed there for a bit and watched the sights plus had a few drinks and took in a rugby league game or six on the telly (every rugby game is live on the telly at the weekend plus the aussie nae-rules fitba (about 20 games in total!)). Saw this big guy (who thought he looked cool) with a hoody that looked mair like a pizza (pink with a lot a stupid f***ing patterns on it) and ah thought: “Gie yi 20 seconds in the Bottom Shop pal”. Also wandered on to the Bundy rum (here it comes ah can here yi saying) because there were these sales lassies (very smart if I say so myself) who were gieing it away if yi beat them a paper/scissors/rock over 3 games. Needless to say ah goat beat 2 - 1. Ah well there’s always next season (but more of that later). Wandered on ti the Pig & Whistle (glutton for punishment) and started on the vodka & coke. Funny thing was that the band never had a name last night (fish must have been off). So here ah um now, suffering a wee bit, in fact ah’m going to have a time oot to get a bit toast. Ah that’s better (I think). So let’s get oan wi the sporty stuff. What aboot Hearts end to the season? F*** me! Need to re-group big time and/or make big changes before next season. Good win (eventually) for the Star at Rosyth to keep the pressure on Forfar. Poor start against Linlithgow through the week; should have still won though but playing against 12 men proved too difficult in the end. Another win needed at Bo’ness today with Rosyth unlikely to trouble Forfar in the other ‘big’ game. Bo’ness could be a funny one; do they go for broke and say “f*** Nitten” or do they not give a f*** and lie doon? Cannae rely on it so need to give it our best shot (like Sauchie away last season). Awe the best any way; let us know how it goes because we will be watching Portsmouth v Cardiff in the FA Cup final on the telly. Awe the best with the AGM tomorrow as well; hope mair than five folk turn up although that is unlikely. Rangers bit the dust during the week as I predicted. Didnae dae enough to win it I am afraid. And what aboot naebody having a shilling for the meter and the TV no working? Thought wi awe the drink they hud bought that somebody would have held a shilling back. Typical weegies! Champions League on Wednesday night so we will be up to watch that (even although it is on at 4.45 am). Still can’t see past Man U I’m afraid. Lot’s more to look forward too as well including Australia in the world cup on Sunday 1 June (goat a JIC on the Monday) plus European Nations cup finals in Austria/Switzerland. Taringa Rovers, now there’s another story. They played on Wednesday night (14 May) away from home, have no game this weekend and (wait for it) are away from home next week!! They are gradually getting over their beginning of season injury crisis (so I hear) and are starting to creep up the league so no relegation worries at least. However there ‘last’ games must be all at home, surely ti f***. But you’ll never guess, they are at home on Saturday 31 May. “Yahoo” I hear you saying but “naw” you here me saying; that is the weekend ah promised auld Peter Thomson ah would go doon and watch his team Capalaba whae Alan Prentice used to play for. You would not f***ing believe it! Maybe one day……. The rugby union S14 league is coming to an end with Queensland Reds going no where; most of there players are ‘retiring’ which maybe sums them up. So they are bringing in some good (absolutely shooge) young guys and folk from the US. Dinae ask me! The Broncos are holding on in there and will probably go into the play offs (they’re probably the 3rd best team in the league) but the big game coming up is the State of Origin. This is where the best from New South Wales (as in Sydney) take on the best from Queensland (as in Brisbane) over 3 games for extreme bragging rights. Kind of like Rangers v Celtic but with attitude (say no more!). It’s called State of Origin because they used to play with selection based on where you were playing. But because all the best Queensland players played in Sydney they used to get humped every year. So the selectors said “f*** that for a game sodjers” and changed it to where you were born (hence State of Origin). The media are already hyping it up big time and the first game is at Sydney next week. Watch this space. Did ah tell you that Brisbane is known as Brisvegas. This is due to the amount of gambling they do and the amount of gambling opportunities there are. They have two big horse racecourses at Doomben and East Farm (plus many more) which seem to have a race meeting every other day. Today is Doomben’s equivalent of Ascot’s ladies day. So need to get myself to a meeting to check out the scene man. They also have loads of dog tracks (the nearest to us being Albion (as in Pete Docherty)) so that might be worth a visit. So again any visitors will be able to pick a day at the races if you fancy losing a few pounds (get it, lose a few pound, naw? Suit yirsel.). So rest of the weekend? Pretty quiet really. Not too much planned, maybe a few beers at home tonight and a wee run in the car tomorrow. Oh, and by the way, ah was at work this week as well. Well Liz’s up so off food shopping soon. Catch you next week.

Yours in sport

The Taringa Two

Episode 16

Yet another week in Oz and time to bring you guys up to date with events. This is a modest effort this week with not a lot happening but enough to fill an Ozblog. Hope you enjoyed last week’s marathon (needed a lie doon efter it). So, sitting in the pateho as usual. It’s Saturday 10 May around 11 am (1 am your time) and already the temperature is about 22C. I believe you guys have had some pretty decent weather recently so hands up awe them what’s sun burnt. Come on be honest! Well we have just been given our settled forecast for the next 2 months (aye, months) and its nae rain plus 24 - 27C every day. Stick that in yir pipe and smoke it! Just been up for the Saturday Rainforest and spotted at a quick glance (that I know you fitba guys will like it) a quote in the sports pages which goes: “Harry Kewell (an Aussie remember) costs more than Channel 5 pays for an episode of Neighbours - and only lasts for half as long”. Fair sum up? So catching up on last week’s stuff first. Headed for the Southbank on Saturday 3 May to the celebrations for Buddha’s birthday. Lots happening (as there usually is at Southbank) such as music, stalls, exhibitions, stuff to eat, dancing and candles to light. Liz bought a candle and put a wish on it that merely said “The Russells”. So if any of you lot have fallen into any money recently we want our cut. Went to get tickets for the Seafood Festival on Sunday but they were sold out. Found out it was really popular and they had to sell tickets to control the crowd. So instead, on Sunday we headed for the Thomsons (auld dude that left Nitten over 40 years ago, remember?) to re-acquaint ourselves because we had not met up with them since Nikki returned home. Sat in his garden while they had a drink (no me because I was driving) and chatted about Alan Prentice when he played for Capalaba (Peter’s local team who are in the league below Taringa Rovers). Ended up agreeing to spend a Saturday watching Peter’s team and having a few beers. His son, Jamie, and family joined us and I found out he already had tickets for the Australia v Iraq World Cup game on Sunday 1 June. They had gone on sale and I had missed it! Pillock. He cheered me up by saying he went in 3 days after they went on sale and could only get tickets at the very top layer of the stand. Even bigger pillock!! When I got home I got onto the Ticketek web site to search for tickets and they did not have even a mention of the game on their site. Big, shooge pillock!!! So jumping to Tuesday 6 May I headed for the closest Ticketek office to ask for tickets (or even a dear one for me (dinae tell Liz, OK)) for the game expecting to be laughed at. The cheery wumin said: “Where about?”, ah thought, f*** me I’ve got a choice. So chancing my arm I said: “About 18 rows back from the front, doon the bottom, please”. “Nae problem” she says, ah thought, f*** me. So we ended up with 2 tickets just off centre (looking along 18 yards box). Tickets in sweaty palm, ah had to ask where she goat them fi. She said they had just been allocated extra tickets. How good is that. See, is the Buddha candle the business or what? Went out on Sunday due to Labor Day off on Monday. Relatively uneventful, started at the RE but it was absolutely choc a bloc with the young team who were obviously off on Monday as well. So left and headed for the P&W for a few to finish the night off. Sat and watched the Arsenal v Everton game then headed home. Monday off was the day of rest but I decided to do one of the forest walks up at Mt Coot Tha (probably as a penance). Nae Liz (that’ll be right yir on yir own) so headed off wi ma wee bottle of water and did the walk ending up knackered. Quiet week at work again but it was only a 4 day week so the weekend is here again (yahoo). We went to the Taringa Rovers cricket presentation doo last night (Friday 9 May). Had a really good time, they really are a great bunch of blokes. Plenty drink, nice meal and prolonged trophy presentation ceremony. They had a young bloke who is wicket keeper for the Queensland Bulls professional cricket team who told his life story and said he was happy to take questions. Took so f***ing long that even I asked him a question! Any way after much drink and games of pool I weaved my merry way home. Feeling a bit intoxicated still at the moment so feel like going to the Nitten game for a ting tong (but I cannae!!). A good victory (eventually) for the Star to keep up the pressure on Forfar. DNE now out of it thanks to Musselburgh. Another must win at Armadale today so have a drink for me in the Goth (remember and gie Nikki a drink because she will be there). Nae game for Forfar but they have DNE at home soon (our best chance for glory) so here’s hoping. Pish result for Hearts on Monday against Falkirk in Setanta’s glamour tie, so here’s hoping they do better against Kilmarnock at home today. Will be sitting up listening to it so remember and keep us up to date about the Nitten score. For a change Taringa are away from home today. I reckon they have to have played a few teams away from home twice already. Naebody can have that many games away from home and no have played somebody twice! And you guys thought that your allocation of fixtures were pish. I think they are at home next week (Sunday 18 May) but I will check before I head down there for obvious reasons.Today is Brizzy’s big Expo 88 anniversary (remember the beginning of Brisbane as we know it today and all that) celebrations at the Southbank. So, if Liz ever gets up, we will be heading there but confidently predict that it will be absolutely choc a bloc. It has been on the TV and in the newspapers all week so it is (understandably) a big deal for them. Not sure if we will get near the place but there are plenty places to drink in the CBD (Central Business District). See, consoling myself already.

Well enough is enough so catch you all next week.

Yours in sunshine

The Taringa Two

Episode 15

Well how’s things with you guys? Hope all is well. I’ll start by saying that I have enjoyed some of the banter recently by way of one to one e-mail exchanges prompted by the main Ozblog of course. Keep them coming. I had planned a theme day this week but suspect there is so much routine stuff that if I go for one I’ll be sitting here all day. Now whilst I like my Ozblog I also have other things to do at the weekend. Honest. So let’s get started a lot to get through. Sitting in the pateho about 10 am on Saturday morning, 3 May 2008 (1 am your time so you will all be tucked up safely in bed (except Gogs of course!)). Temperature about 22C already so it is rather pleasant. Forecast for the week is much of the same (yahoo). Long weekend because Monday is public holiday (Labor Day (correct spelling)) but more of that later. Liz is tucked up in bed for the moment. Just had an interesting start to the day whilst out buying my Saturday Courier Mail (rainforest edition). To let you know part of my short journey involves me negotiating a complex set of traffic lights. Its taken me a while to suss out the phasing but I am now adept at timing my crossing to perfection despite the fact the green man phase has not kicked in yet. Well anyway I was doing a first cross (road 1) when, after a quick glance, I noticed I could do the second cross (road 2) at the same time so I deviated my route to kill the two birds with the one stone (or a shortcut if yir no gid at sayings). I noticed at the corner of my eye that a backpacker, presumably thinking I knew what I was doing, headed off after me. We both got clear of the road and I said: “Why did you take off before the green man?”. Answer: “I just followed you”. Retort: “What if I had just read some bad news in the paper and was heading off under a bus?”. Answer: “It hadn’t occurred to me!”. At that I walked off into the sunrise. Now I have left someone with either a life changing experience or thinking that I am a f***ing idiot. I’ll leave you to decide. Anyway last week’s round up. On Friday 25 April we had a look at a few houses up at Mango Hill/North Lakes. Tried to find somewhere to eat but seems like Anzac day is a bit like Easter; naywhere f***ing open. So headed home had a bite to eat and a lazy day. Headed for the Broncos game (rugby league) at night via the Royal Exchange Hotel in Toowong (cannae go ti live sport without a bevy (especially if you’ve goat ti watch Livingston!)). Remember they were playing the South Sydney Rabbitohs (Russell Crowe’s team and the worst team in the league (played 7, lost 7)). Anyway the Broncos won at a canter 32 - 16 (I think!). However heading back was on event! If you remember the tickets for these big games are cheap (I think that game was £20 each) with free public transport (bus/rail/ferry) thrown in. So we headed to Milton rail station (ask Nikki if you want to picture the walk) with hundreds of others. We were first of all sent to the wrong platforms! So you had the people heading out of town on the heading in to town platforms and vica versa. So everybody was clambering over the top of each other to get to the right platforms. Got there and ended up on an extra train presumably to smooth out their f*** up! We were heading back to the RE so we got off at Toowong station (goat ti get mair bevy efter the game). The platform we got off was locked up for the night! How f***ing good is that? Someone came down the stairs had a go at the lock, could’nae open the shutter and disappeared never to return. So we spent the next hour in a queue for a 6 person lift! Goat ti the RE eventually, had a few and headed to the Pig & Whistle for the last few. Coming home from the P&W and Liz decides to phone Leigh/Nikki on the mobile. So she hands it to me (yi ken: “would you like to speak to your daughter?” stuff) and I take over. Wandering ahead of Liz speaking away when a scream rattles oot. Nah cockroach this time, she’s been hit by an egg from a passing car full of cock-ends. Nice end to the night! On Saturday we went on a drive up Mt Nebo and Mt Glorious. Noticed these drives on a supplement in the paper one weekend and decided to try this one. Really nice slow bendy drive interrupted by mad bikers (like Robert Ramsay) using it as a race track. Great views at the top and nice wee cafes selling local produce. Spotted lots of great BBQ/picnic areas as well so its on the list if anyone pays us a visit from Nitten. Good result for the Star again but Forfar only need to win their last two games and that’s that. Away to Rosyth today in a must win game to keep the pressure on. Hearts beat ICT with young Glen scoring again. Away to Falkirk in Monday night’s Setanta glamour tie! I popped down to Taringa Rovers game against Mt Gravatt on Sunday 27 April. Like last time it was a glorious day (about 26C) and the reserves were on first. The first half was even but Taringa were shite in the second half. They have a defence that is too slow and never win an aerial challenge so it’s not much of a defence really! Lost two goals and looked dead and buried until 5 minutes from time when the captain hit an unstoppable volley from 30 yards. They then had the audacity to score a headed equaliser from a corner 3 minutes into injury time to draw 2 - 2. If I was Mt Gravatt I would have reported a theft ti the polis! The Premier team then played and it was quite a good game with nothing much between the sides. However same thing happened! Mt Gravatt scored two goals in 15 seconds (aye, seconds!) mid way through the second half to take a lead which they held until the end. Taringa scored two good goals at the death to force a draw. Fair result in the end but Mt Gravatt must have been wondering what they had to do to beat them! Taringa are playing a team two leagues below them this weekend in a cup tie and, you guessed it, they are away from home. On the big team front I felt sorry for Liverpool but Moscow will not know what is going to hit them when Chelsea and Man U come to town. Going for a Man U win there. Rangers squeezing through to the final of the EUFA cup as well. But sorry Clerky got to go for Dick Advocaat’s Zenit St Petersburg to win there. Quiet week at work but spent two days at a BIG (business improvement in government) conference in Brisbane. Interesting stuff from a set of private sector experts on a range of subjects (all part of the learning process). Went to see the Foos on Wednesday and they did not let me down. They were at their brilliant self the whole show. Really enjoyed it. Last night we went to the Queensland Reds v Auckland Blues rugby union game at Suncorp, 7.40 pm KO. Again tickets £22 with free public transport. This league probably has the best rugby union teams in the world and is called the “Super 14”. Eight teams from Australia, four from South Africa and two from New Zealand. Anyway went to the P&W for a bite to eat and a beer before the game. However before I got there we wandered through the Inderpilly shopping centre. I handed my Tuesday night lottery ticket to the Golden Casket person (their Lotto) who sticks it through the machine to check for winners (it was $40m on Tuesday night). And I won $20.42 (yahoo), good start to the night I thought. [Aside: If you are following the P&W bands theme, the band on last night was “Swordfish”.] Anyway, meanwhile back at the P&W, there is a bit of a stooshie going on in Oz about binge drinking, alcopops etc (now where I have I heard that one before?). So the government in there wisdom has raised the tax on pre-mixed drinks, e.g. can of Bundaberg rum and coke, to cut down binge drinking. Pishing in the wind or what? A few unhappy, chappies going aboot last night. For Catherine Bennett, the P&W has just got two slush puppie machines in with, wait for it, strawberry and mango daiquiri in them. How f***ing good is that! No as good as your’s Catherine but Liz is into them already. Anyway got to the game via the Inderpilly Hotel (or HI to us locals) and train. Loads more drink at the game but the Reds bit the dust 35 - 22. They were pretty shite so they deserved it. Made our way back home via train and RE. Almost there, but had to let you know that the Suncorp stadium is next to the main Castlemaine XXXX brewery. Fine, but the lights on their (absolutely f***ing) shooge sign is on the blink. So you can look forward to seeing cans of three and a half ‘X’ in your local Tesco’s soon! Heading to the Southbank today for Buddha’s birthday celebrations and going to a Seafood festival (Liz’s shout) behind Suncorp stadium on Sunday. Having Monday OFF! Oh aye, and we’re going to the Taringa cricket team’s presentation doo next Saturday, 10 May. Bound to be a story or three there! Well heading to Woollies first for some food, catch you next week for a modest update.

Yours in prose

My wife and I

Episode 14

Well here we are again already. Seems like only a week since I sent the last one. Went through last week’s ‘theme’ and decided I really should have split it into two categories - a ‘things that are hard to get used to’ list and a ‘wondering/hoping’ list. So I have started collecting more of both and they will appear again in future weeks along with the other themes. Watch this space. Got a few replies to last week’s Ozblog so it must have attracted some people’s attention.

I have actually started this week’s a bit early so I am sitting out in the pateho on Thursday 24 April in the afternoon (3 pm our time, 6 am your time). Temperature about 26C and the forecast for the long weekend plus next week is for sunshine and 25 to 28C. I did tell you it was quite warm here, naw? Reason I am here is because I am in between dental appointments, yeh two in one day! Glutton for punishment or what? Found out that the dentists’ practice has their receptionists dress to distract you from the pain you are about to receive. Ken what ah mean, polo neck for a check up, a bit cleavage for a filling etc. When ah went in earlier on today she was sitting wi nae clase oan; say no more!

Last weekend didn’t quite go to plan. Didn’t quite make the visit to the different house types for various reasons so that is back on for Friday 25 April. Sunday 20 April was however a cracking day (28C+) so we went to the Southbank in Brisbane. To fill you in a bit more, it was the site of the old World Expo in 1988 but they left it as a parkland and entertainment centre. It’s got some stuff left from the Expo like the Nepalese gardens but it also as loads of restaurants, pubs, stages for bands (biggest sponsored by Suncorp (insurance company)), an urban beach (honest) and an arty farty market on Sunday.

Anyway the place was buzzing because of the weather. Had a wander round then decided to have a coffee. Don’t know if you like coffee but Brisbane must have more coffee shops per head of population than anywhere in the world. They are everywhere and they are mad for it. OK, so decided to do a tour of the park and as we headed towards the Suncorp stage I could hear someone playing Led Zeppelin. Thought, that’ll do me live rock and roll. As we got to the stage (actually a kind of open plan, circular theatre type affair) I realised that the music was actually coming from outside. Turned out to be two kids (girl 14 and guy 12) presumably brother and sister with him playing lead and her on the base with shots each at singing. When we got there they were playing “Whole lotta love” (Led Zep) and they were absolutely brilliant. Hung around as they wandered into “Purple Haze”, Jimmy Hendrix then “Angie”, Rolling Stones. I could not believe how good there were, thought to myself that Ricky Quinn would be in his element. Anyway don’t normally give these folk money but dropped $5 into their guitar box. Made my day (the music that is).

Must move on, another draw for the Star so it looks like time is running fast as far as this season’s concerned. At home to Montrose so you must be expecting a win this week. Fingers crossed that Forfar start to slip up. We plan to be up on Saturday night so let us know how it is going. Foxtel (the Aussie’s SKY) have the Chelsea v Man U game on live with a 9.45 pm KO so will be watching that. Good result for Hearts as well. Watched a replay of the goals on Hearts TV and there were some crackers plus the young lad Glenn looked OK. At home to Inverness Coloured Textiles (ask Nikki if confused) this weekend, so hoping for two in a row. We are heading to the Broncos v Rabbitohs (from south Sydney) rugby league game on Friday night for a bit injection of live sport. Friday is their Anzac Day (a public holiday) which is their equivalent of D Day (their’s is Gallipoli, our’s is Dunkirk) plus remembering every war they have been involved in from World War 1 onwards. Taringa Rovers don’t actually play until Sunday late afternoon against Mt Gravatt (a south Brisbane team) with a 4 pm KO. Working on Monday so a severe drink is out of the question. One day soon…..

Starting to take in a few more meetings at work which is really helping to join things up for me. They are getting used to me wandering out with my area of responsibility saying things like: “Well we used to do it this way…….and it was much better”. Don’t know if everyone is listening to me but who cares? Next week I am actually going to see the Foo Fighters at the Brisbane Entertainment Centre (about 10 km outside Brizzy, free train with ticket) on Wednesday 30 April. How f***ing good is that?!? Wasn’t going originally but a young (and huge Kiwi) lad at my work has been left with a ticket by his mates. Right in there, no need to ask a second time! So on Wednesday it will be: “A little crazy, little frayed around the edge….”. Get in there! Nane o that pish dance music Gogs!

Well mustn’t overstay my welcome, so until next week. Oh, and just a thought, what would you have been doing if you weren’t reading this pish?

Yours until next time

The Taringa Two

Episode 13

Just in case you were wondering, I do make a wee list of things to write about first to give me a start but then the creative juices go into overdrive. I don’t make any stories up (really) but I do, as one does, embellish the odd story for effect. I do aim to make it for family and friends (come on when was the last time I told a story at home without swearing!) but because it is regular (every week or so) I try to spice up normal events to make the read more interesting. Come on, if I did the old postcard stuff (weather great, food good, went for a shite etc) you would soon get pissed off. Got to make the audience not be able to wait for next week’s epistle. I should really start by saying how sorry we were to hear Jean Quinn had died recently. Our thoughts are with the Quinns and Tommy in particular. Nice woman Jean. So what am I going to get up to this week. Decided to go for the odd Ozblog with a theme in it in addition to the ‘normal’ stuff. So watch this space. Writing this on Saturday morning, 19 April at about 10 am (1 am your time). Temperature about 20C+ already. Temperature has dropped recently to about 24C max/ 17C min. Yeh I know, life’s a bitch. Sitting in my short sleeve polo shirt and shorts in the pateho (have you asked auld Barbara Morgan about that word yet?). Liz in bed, had a few sherries last night and she stayed up to phone the world (and their brothers). As you know, Liz hates a blether… So let’s revisit last week’s effort to bring you up to date. Not so good a result for Nitten last week. Nikki told me they were pish. By the way a big thanks from me to everybody who bought the poor wee soul a drink. As for you Clerky…. Any way Dundee North End away this week. Another hard game with the weeks quickly running out. I fear the mistakes at the beginning of the season will put paid to our promotion hopes. Hope not but I am a realist…. Hearts start there ‘play against the pish’ campaign at home to St Mirren. I’ll never forget the b***ards for 1986! Any way hope they get a result, will probably sit up and listen to the radio commentary on Hearts TV, so text us about the Nitten score. Thanks to Gordon for last week’s text. Believe it or not Taringa Rovers are away from home again this week! They are at home next week, Saturday 26 April with a 4 pm KO (yahoo) so I can see a few sherries looming…. Liz and I are going to watch the Broncos (rugby league) at Suncorp next Friday night. They lost 26 - 24 away to their local rivals the Gold Coast Titans last night which was a bit of a pisser. Flushed with the news of potential house sale in Nitten (didn’t happen though!) we headed off north last Sunday (13 April) to look at houses in Kallangur (about 20km north of Brisbane). There’s a type of house one developer does that has taken our interest. Met the ‘sales’ woman (they dinae gie yi a hard sale here because they are so laid back) and spent about 2 hours with her being shown around the estate. I think Liz is smitten but I am trying to keep her eyes open. So going to North Lakes/Mango Hill (near Kallangur) this weekend to look at different house types. Watch this space, fingers crossed etc. Went out last night but not much to report (RE, live band, daft folk dancing, Broncos on the big screen, lots of beer/Bundy/vodka, Pig & Whistle etc.) By the way talking of the P&G just passed a plumbers van this morning on the way to collect my rainforest (Saturday’s Courier Mail) and they were called ‘Salmon Plumbers’ so you see that band could have been called ‘Salmon’ a few weeks back (band was called Barra (short for Barramundi) this week!). And another thing, just remembered Liz went to try to dissolve her hangover last week by having a lie down in the afternoon. Went to Nikki’s old room because I was out the back on the internet. She had just lied down and I heard this almighty f***ing scream. Of course I jumped up, rushed to the room as she passed me heading for Sydney! Transpired that she was just getting settled down when she felt this tickle on the side of her face and tried to brush it away when she felt something on the pillow. Turned out to be a 2 inch long cockroach who seemed to have taken a shine to her!?! Any way the cockroach is no more, deceased, gone to that big cockroach party in the sky…. At work spent most of the week at a local government symposium. Trying to find out more about how everything fits together and all that. For you Transport Scotland guys they build and maintain their roads in an Alliance with us (the state government). None of this 'us and them', political points scoring when it come to roads! What a breath of fresh air… They have just gone through local government reform with about 140+ councils reducing to about 30 regional councils (where has that happened before….). They had a few moans (loads actually!) but like everything else what’s done is done and they are resigned to getting on with it. Any way theme #1. I thought I would start off with something that has obviously been with me since I got here, i.e. things that will take a bit of getting used to and wondering what’s happening at the other end of the world. Made a wee list but I am sure it could be bigger (or maybe I have gotten used to stuff already). So here goes:

Going to work when it’s sunny, warm etc. People with umbrellas up because it’s sunny, warm etc.

Getting to work (door to door) in less than half an hour. Eating outside all the time.

Going for ‘a bite to eat’ at lunch time. Going for brekky before work (outside café).

Going about in shorts and bare feet most of the time. Seeing spider’s webs 2 square metres big and spiders 3 inches long in your back garden. Liz no talking as much as she used to (honest). Not drinking as much (honest).

Wondering if Ritchie goat pished at the Hearts game. Wondering if Clerky will go and see “Horton hears a Who”.

Wondering if John and Barbara will ever get that conservatory finished. Wondering if there was a fight at the Legion last weekend. Wondering how many times ‘wir blue, wir white, wir f***ing dynamite’ goat sung at the last Nitten game.

Wondering if John Morgan and Brian Duncan ever goat that hole in their toupee fixed. Wondering if Livingston forced a corner last week. Hoping auld Isobel’s awe right. Wondering if Nikki’s goat a job yet.

Wondering if Derek Russell and Brian Duncan have been enjoying watching Livingston this year.

Wondering if Roy Halliday will ever get married. Hoping Leigh and the bairn will be OK.

Wondering if Bonnyrigg Rose will ever buy a fitba strip. Wondering who Gordon Bennett’s dug shed its hair on at the last Nitten game. Wondering if this list is ever going to f***ing end.

So enough of that pish, must go, heading for food shopping outlet at Inderpilly, mair lists to write…..

Yours for another week

The Ozzy Russells

Episode 12

Well here we are again. Writing this on Saturday 12 April at 3 pm our time, 6 am your time. Made a mistake with the times last week because I forgot you moved 1 hour forward at the end of March. So we are only 9 hours in front of you now. Catching up so it won’t be long before we are at the same time! An absolutely cracking day here, sun splitting the trees, probably about 28C. Sitting outside in the pateho writing this with the T shirt on sweating away over a hot laptop (as one does). I must have mentioned that it’s quite hot here at times, naw? However feeling a wee bit humpty so not really enjoying it but more of that later.

Picking up on last week’s tales, not so good a result for the Star so a win at Forfar today is a must. Be with you all the way with that so remember and text Liz with the updates (good and bad). Nikki is going so remember and buy here a drink. Poor wee soul is skint but she is making the effort to support the boys. Hearts had a disappointing draw which leaves them to play the season out against all the mince. Weekend off followed by St Mirren at home (thought that was a make of toilet as well and in their case I am probably right).

Went to see Taringa Rovers last week with 7 pm night KO. As I arrived, there already was a game on so I thought I had missed the start but they play a load of games one after the other. Meaning they play youths, reserves etc before the Premier team plays. The team that was playing was the Premier reserves and they all play the same club which is a sensible thing. Last week they were playing North Pine which is about an hour north of Brisbane. Apparently they have won the second and first divisions in consecutive seasons and are doing well in the Premier league. The first game was a reasonable standard with Taringa winning 4 - 3 after being behind most of the game. The Premier team are suffering a host a injuries already with about half their team out and most of them for the whole season. I was speaking to one of their long term injury guys who picked up on my accent. Apparently he was at Clyde for about 2 seasons not so long ago when Graham Roberts was there (famous victory over Celtic in the Scottish Cup). He gave me a bit background about the team, league etc. Anyway they eventually lost 3 - 0 but were by far the better team so you see these things happen over here as well. They had this wee, middle-eastern, nippy b***ard in midfield who I would have liked 5 minutes with on the pitch (know what I mean, soften his f***ing ribs and all that!). He eventually got Taringa’s captain sent off in the 50th minute but (yahoo) got shovelled off in a stretcher in the 75th minute. They had a really nippy committee as well (probably like the auld Dalkeith committee if anyone